Sidelined

   Well, not only have I sidelined my workouts, I've sidelined work. I re-injured my back and ended up in the emergency room this morning. I don't know how much work I'll get done on my novel, because pain killers and muscle relaxants tend to mess up my head. I'm back to work on Thursday.
On a positive note; I have a massage appointment tomorrow and I'll be seeing a chiropractor on Wednesday.

Moving through resistance

     So, the resistance continues, but so do I. I've done a count on how many words I've gotten committed to Shifting Gears and found that I'm more than half way into my target for the novel.
     I'm going back through what I have written and tweaking a few things here and there and I'm terribly excited that I can now see how this story is coming together, fleshing out and developing a very satisfying direction for it's conclusion.
     Of course, right now I have more time to work on it since I managed to spasm my back badly enough to side line my regular workouts for a bit.
     When I have the manuscript to a satisfactory place I'm actually going to use crowd sourcing for the publishing of it. I'm nervous and excited about the prospect of that.
    But, someday I will have an agent. Because, I really and truly suck at marketing myself.

Working with Resistance

Even though I still feel resistant to meditation and digging up the internal blocks that are sorta kicking my butt, I am managing to get some pages written and progress made on the next book in my series.
Shifting Gears is slowly coming together. I have the overarching direction written out as I wish this story to flow and I've even managed to do the same with the other two books that (I think) will complete the series.
Am I still resistant? Oh, yes. But, it won't stop me.

Resistance is a familiar presence

I know what I need to do. I've known for decades.
Start with 20 minutes a day. That's all.
Twenty minutes.
To sit quietly. Fill the silence with nothing. Feel nothing. Simply let go.
Everything that worries me will be waiting for me when I'm done.
I won't disappear...maybe.
Honestly, I will. Not all of me, but parts of me. Parts of me that no longer serve who I am, nor who I will become. These parts hold me back, trip me up, and keep me down.
But, I've known them for so long...
How could I possibly survive without the constant companionship of the fears those parts instill in me every day?
Twenty minutes of stillness. Meditation. Learning to put aside the negative feelings and let the me still wanting to thrive come out and blossom.
I've done longer. I've been deep within some of the worst parts of myself and have lived to tell the tale.
None of this is unfamiliar, and yet I resist.
I know I'm strong enough to do this, and yet, I resist.
And, in this resistance is the absolute knowledge that I can do this, and I can succeed.
Otherwise, there would be no fear, there would be no resistance.
Ten breaths.
A good start.
Sit.
Eyes closed.
Relaxed.
Done.
A good start. And, I will build up as I allow myself. I will reveal more and more of the awesome woman yet to be seen. I will continue to discover who I am.
And, all I have to do is breath.

Excavation of Self or Shamanic dumpster diving

My life has changed radically over the last year. I was alone and convinced that it would be that way. Even though I had spent years and years and, well, more than a decade delving into the deepest, darkest, most frightening pieces of my soul. 
I still felt that I would be forever walking the path of my life with friends, dear, wonderful friends that are closer to me than family-type friends, but no romance, no sex. And, that was okay. So, I funneled my sexual and romantic energies into writing about that which I would never have. Many stories have their starts and a few are close to completion, but one is done, published and I am terribly proud of it.
But, I digress.
Love, romance and sex has returned to my life and I feel lost. I thought I had a good handle on who I was, and now? I just don't know. Old demons, long thought vanquished, have reared their ugly heads. Old, forgotten wounds have reopened, and I feel, or felt paralyzed.
So, with the years of self discovery behind me I am now facing the discovery of self in front of me.
It's never done. It's never over. I am, in this moment, the best  'me' I can be, but not the 'me' I will be tomorrow. And, since I want to have romantic and loving relationships with others, I need to break out the old tools, discover some new ones and find the part of me that knows I am as strong within a romantic relationship as I was without one.
So, here's to the journey! Because, it never ends and it only gets better.
Hey...I blog, therefore I am.